i want something more that isn' t there. the almosts and the nearlys aren't quite good enough. in fact they make it all the more frustrating.

i have this idea in my mind about why i just can't quite get there and what i can do to change it. but to be honest i'm unsure if i'm just deluding myself or not. nevertheless i am still unable to change it. so maybe this is my twisted way of justifying not being strong enough to change.

we are creatures of habit and change is hard. this is not a change that i am afraid of. this is a change that i fear i am not strong enough to achieve.

my ipod mini, my johnlewis white pillow case with blue flowers, my white mouse - are these the only things left unclaimed that i have a legit right too? honestly speaking there are at least a dozen other things that I look at and still think - hey that's mine. not that i really want them anyway. but not that i want someone else to have them. nearly 10 months after and i'm starting to wonder if it will ever completely disappear.

and if that thing that will make it disappear will come soon?

probably not for the next nine weeks. i guess i can accept that. i don't even have time to think. i probably won't have time for distractions... although, sometimes i think there is always time for distraction.

... and never enough time for sleep.

back home.

sunday evenings in kuala lumpur always feel the same. always on the cusp of something new. a rare concoction of anticipation and stasis.

works starts tomorrow. i am just hoping that it is worth it, because right now i am kind of wish i stayed in stanford for the summer. work was one of two reasons to be in malaysia this summer, so it better be worth it.

i can't believe i've been home for less than a week. it feels like forever. life here is soo different from school. i can never understand how i can spend the whole day doing stuff and accomplish nothing in malaysia. i have no idea how i am going to work on my thesis (among other things) this summer. i hope hope hope work will inspire some sense of motivation in me this summer.

maybe the real difference between home and school is the way i am.

pretty pretty pretty.
i dream, oh so prettily.

i can't seem to concentrate. i just wasted two hour doing i don't know what and here i am still doing nothing good for me. today the world is a blinding neon light and I feel like a pair of eyes that I have been trapped in a dark room - over sensitive and in need to escape.
i feel like i've been steamrolled by life and i don't quite know what to do with myself. what do i do with myself?

it's scary to go from everything to nothing. but that nothing is not really nothing. it is a facade of nothing. an attempt to erase the everything. but you can never erase everything and get nothing, no matter how hard you try. there are some things you want to forget and somethings you hope will be never be forgotten. but the nothing remnants of everything are a mismatch of everything in between.

part of that nothing is a fragile unspoke promise to preserve the nothingness. is dangerous that the nothingness can become an ugly everything-ness, and it's all out of your control. you are powerless for your own fate, but in complete control of someone else's. powerlessness control. everything and nothing.

it is 8:37am in Kuala Lumpur and 1:37am in London.

neither time acceptable to call someone several thousand miles away.

i need to talk them, badly. i hate being separated.

the more i think about it. the more MAD i get.

*inhale. exhale. inhale. exhale*

is this the green monster finally?

i miss things that once were.
independence comes at a cost. there always seems to be a conflict between the things i want. i am finally realizing that i can't have it all. my childhood was full of dreams - of the perfect life when I grow up. Now I am realizing to have one dream, I have to give up another.
Is it strange that what i miss most about something I gave up is not the thing itself but the rest of the package deal?
Even if I can't have it all. I still get to choose which dreams I want to pursue and which dreams I need to give up. Ultimately it can't be all that bad, at least I have a choice.

how much do should we sacrifice our lives to help some one else? What measure is there that determines whether we devote our lives to someone or not? Is it defined by relationship? parent and child, husband and wife, siblings, friends - where do we start? and where do we stop?
in some ways it would be easier to ignore and forget and be selfish. but people often don't realize being selfish has a cost sometimes greater than the sacrifices we make.

i've never had my heart broken. the closest i've come to that is unrequited love(or whatever closes resembles love). is that a good thing?
sometimes i wonder.

i don't know what i'm looking for but i know i can't find it here. malaysia is okay in small doses but it's a little over a week and i want to leave. not my family but the place just isn't right for me. the trouble with moving around so much is that you don't really know where you belong anymore. sometimes i feel like i am different fragments. pieces that fit into different lives, but as a whole i belong no where in particular.
* * *
the cycle is the same at "home". i can't sleep till late and even when i sleep i can't get restful sleep. i waste the day around bored despite having tons of things that i could be doing. malaysia unmotivates me and erases every good habit i've honed. maybe i don't know where i belong but i definitely know its not here. it never was and it never will be.

things that are going to keep me going till wednesday

1. target shopping with tintin
2. christmas shopping with didi
3. sleeeeep
4. partying with jp
5. house season 3
6. sitting by the pool

ewww

The guy sitting across from me in the library has a serious case of "yellow fever". He's hella flirting with the two fobbiest of fobs in the library. This really reminds me of sketchy white guys in china sketching on local girls.

okay i'm so mean. but their sketching/giggling is distracting me from writing my essay.

There is something seriously wrong with me i've LOST more things this quarter than I've ever lost in my life. Things that I've lost:
1. ralph lauren sunglasses... lost forever :(
2. aviators... twice (and found twice)
3. proxy library card and photo copy card
4. ID card (twice and found twice luckily)
5. keys (multiple times and found multiple times)
6. black sweater (took a day to realize i lost it, and then a day to remember where i had left it, and then another day to get the courage to go and get it... SIGH)
7. dragon fly earring (which i've had for four years and never taken off :( )
8. Phone (found)
9. star/heart earring

SAD SAD SAD SAD SAD for all the things lost and never found... and the STRESS of losing things that aren't found.

tell me not to stress about that and trust me... i won't. i have better things to stress about, seriously.

like....
FINALS and my increasing addiction to aim and facebook
my bio essays (minimum of 21 pages --3 essays-- for a 3 unit class!!!)
sleep deprivation
and other stuff which is legitimately so serious i can't even talk about it to anyone. stress STRESS stress STRESS.

actually right now i'm not that stressed. i wonder why...?

9 weeks into term and i am FINALLY feeling semi-ready to study and work hard. i went to the library to do real work twice this week. I guess it's a good thing i decided to ease myself back into school this quarter 'cause I've been able to get away with slacking at school so far.

either way i am supersupersuper excited to go home! i haven't been to malaysia in a whole year - the longest i've ever been away. yes yes i still consider malaysia home, at least in the intrinsic sort of way even though i have probably deeper connections to london and stanford right now.

thanksgiving break with my family was much needed. it's so good to get some perspective in life and there is no better way to do it than chilling on the couch with nothing* to do. less than 2 weeks till i go home. hopefully my current work ethic can maintain till then.

* or at least the illusion of nothing

london diaries
day 4 - my favourite kind of day

i could be in london - quite possibly the most exciting/interesting city in the world, many people would probably KILL for a day in london - but today i didn't leave the house. my excuse? too cold and wet.
alternating between my pjs and my sweats (depending on how cold it was) and taking two naps, today was really really perfect.
i love lazy days. <3

london diaries
day 3 - topshop adventures

two hour appointment with a style adviser at topshop.
basically you tell her your size, what you're looking for and then she goes off and finds stuff for you.
side note: topshop is 3 stories high and as huge as a department store so they have basically EVERYTHING

she picked out a lot of things which i would never consider trying. some were good... some were uh... NO!

things i bought that she picked out for me - 1 swanky black dress ("you look like catherine zeta jones" my mum says very kindly), 1 purple scarf
things i bought that i picked out on my own - blue and silver dress
things my mum bought that the stylist picked out for me, but my mum liked more - 1 red coat, 1 t-shirt, 1 frilly pink top
and then my mum and sister bought a whole bunch of other things we kind of had a crazy shopping trip. even though it was my bday shopping trip they both ended up buying more.

verdict: it was definitely fun but my sister and i decided we are much more fixed in what we like to wear and what we don't like to wear.
my mum LOVED everything the stylist picked out and if she got her own style advisor she would definitely go crazy.

i want to be a style advisor

london diaries
day 2 - "birthday funday"

belated birthday surprises planned by my family.

1. present in the car on the way to church
a. topshop gift voucher and 2 hour consultation at topshop with a personal style advisor
b. helium balloon which flew away into the rain when we opened the car door the end of the day
c. jamie oliver cookbook

2. lunch @ maze
restaurant of gordon ramsay's protege

3. night ride on the london eye
so amazing

for a cold and raining day in london - yes very typical london weather - it was amazing

the london diaries

day 2 - awake at 5am

well it's technically 6:34am now but i woke up at 5am :( i guess it could be worse. six hours of sleep is pretty good. too bad i'm probably going to need a lot of energy for "birthday surprise day" as my sister calls it.

the london diaries
Day 1

amusing to think I am thousands of miles away from where I was yesterday at this time but not much else has changed - i'm still curled up in bed with my longtime bed companion: my macbook.

i've just woken up from a 3 hour nap and I am completely exhausted and dying to go back to sleep. i unluckily got stuck in the middle seat on the plane: stupid virgin atlantic, and then the irony of ironies was that I fell asleep before the plane even took off and continued to sleep for the next... 57 minutes and that was it. the only sleep i got on the 10 hr and 30 minute flight was the very first 58 minutes.

the rest of the time killed: attempting to sleep and watching the many movies on the plane. Knocked Up - bad, generic, boring
A Mighty Heart - surprisingly good considering i don't really like movies with depressing endings
and then the usual House & CSI

London is cold and grey, so what else is new? I've spent most of my time so far sleeping, so really what else is new? either way... it's good to be back.

funniest birthday messages

"Hey, happy happy 21st birthday wen. But don't drink 2 much. Will call tomo as u r prob asleep n i m off 2 bed. Love u lots."
7:24 am 11/11/07
text message from my mum
LOL

"dear life partner,
i still have our costco card. i'm going to hold it hostage until after your birthday. unfortunately, that might just mean that ryan will have to take over costco sunday duties. so sad--tisktisk.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!"
12:55am 11/11/07
facebook wallpost from sarah

"happy birthday lil! now you don't have to borrow my id anymore~
can we still be friends?
i love you!"
11:24am 11/11/07
facebook wallpost from amy

"HAPPPPPPY BIRTHDAY TELL ME WENDI GOHHH... I HOPE YOU LIKED YOUR BHANGRA LAP DANCE"
1:01pm 11/11/07
facebook wallpost from salima
it was a great lap dance

"it was your birthday? DOh sorry other lover... i'll have to make it up to you ;) shhh dont tell ying ying!"
8:26am 11/14/07
facebook wallpost from phillip

i am so close to home. in less then 3 days i am going to be on a plane to london. in a little over a month i get to be in malaysia for the first time in nearly a year.
i wish i didn't live so far away from home.
i love my life at school but sometimes i wish i could just get into my car after class and drive home for dinner. watch tv on the couch and sleep in my own room.

three. more. days.

i am obsessed with this jay chou song... 千里之外 faraway


i've listened to it 25+ times tonight. the lyrics don't even make that much sense to me but... i like it all the same.

turning twentyone is definitely not as big of a deal as people make it out to be.
everyone hypes it up to be some important milestone. The start of adulthood.... the end of childhood... being legal. but for me it was just like any other birthday.
actually it was more low key that most birthdays. i always used to love celebrating my birthday - a party and being the center of attention? definitely something i want to prolong for as long as possible.
but not this year.

i had a very very lowkey thing in my room. just drinks and a couple of friends. and then on the day itself, it was just another lazy sunday for me. i went to costco, watched tv, chilled with some friends and it was pretty much perfect. i was perfectly content and am perfectly content.

this was the first birthday i had in a long time where i wasn't anyone's priority, and it was nice. i never thought i would like it but i do. i like being no one's priority and not having anyone has my priority. it's independent and liberating rather than lonely and depressing. it's surprising to be content not knowing what i want, but simply knowing what i don't want.

next time...

i am going to reach for the stars. i want butterflies. and i'm not going to settle for anything less.

but for now. i could do with some fun.

sigh. some people seriously don't get me.

i seriously don't want to turn twentyone. i pretend like i'm excited... but i'm not.
this is the first birthday i am seriously dreading.

it's weird how little things can change your mood so quickly.
I woke up this morning feeling bluer than the pacific ocean. it was cold - or at least as cold as it gets at stanford - and early and i had to finish up the last bits of my poorly attempted take home midterm (let's not talk/think about that). Sleep deprivation, cold and the guilty feeling of not trying hard enough in school are three lethal combinations for my mood.

six hours later. back in bed, done with class, midterm free for the rest of the year and ready to nap and i'm feeling much more like a sunny yellow - yes colors are a great way to express moods. napping makes my life infinitely better. i also love my bed. i spend at least half of my time at stanford in my bed - sleep, study, procrastinating - it's all done right here. surrounded by pillows and my comforter... absolute bliss.

simple things make me really happy. i realize i don't need to be somewhere exotic to feel content. I'd probably be happier going home for a week than on an african safari. okay... not true because I am DYING to go on an African safari. but something similar of the sorts.... like visiting some really amazing exciting city like NYC doesn't quite compare to the comforts of watching tv in my pjs. yes i am really excited for a week of going to london and doing nothing - potentially a waste of my plane ticket, but it's the people I go to see not the city.

dear ______,

I sincerely hope that you and _____ will meet and fall in love forever. Trust me, I never thought I would feel this way either. I almost wish I didn't...

Best Wishes,
Wendi

in continuance of the list of three

three places I want to be in right now.

1. In room 228 of 680 Lomita Dr, Stanford CA (yes just upstairs) with whitney next door at her laptop, me on my bed and tintin sitting in the doorway in between our rooms.

2. In my mom's bed in our London flat

3. in someone's back garden reading book seven of harry potter for the first time. again.

three things that I would wish for

1. the ability to control the way i feel
i wish i could make myself like someone or not like someone just like that. it's kind of calculating and cold and emotionless but that would make life so much easier. imagine... he checks all the right boxes - yes i like you. perfect. uncomplicated. simple. yes i like this.

2. knowing what i want
what's worse than not getting what you want? not knowing what you want. i don't mean like i want an ice cream, or i want an i-phone. but i want to know what i want that would make me happy.

3. unlimited sleep time
seriously i never get enough sleep. i don't know why i choose to sleep later just to watch tv. sleep trumps everything. being able to fall asleep when you want would be pretty sweet for a occasional insomniac like myself too. picture this. lying wide awake at 8:30am this morning. the one day this week that I can actually sleep in.

now i need to go find a genie. or some sort of mind control technique. whichever is easiest.

just listen

if this week was a movie the soundtrack would consist of:


1. Like A Boy - Ciara
"What if I? Had a thing on the side? Made ya cry? Would the rules change up? Or would they still apply? If I played you like a toy?"

2. What I've Done - Linkin Park
"I'll face myself, To cross out what i’ve become, Erase myself, And let go of what i’ve done"

3. Do You? - NeYo
"I just wonder... Do you ever... think of me anymore? Do you?"

4. Can't Let You Go - Fabolous ft. Mike Shorey
"I really wanna be with you. But I gotta be real with you. I can't leave you alone. And I know I'm living wrong. But I can't let you go"

5. My Stupid Mouth - John Mayer
"My stupid mouth has got me in trouble. I said too much again..."

6. Good Things - Rich Boy
"I don't wanna spend forever with you baby just tonight..."

delete

deleting my old posts was extremely therapeutic.

now if only i could delete real things that actually happen to me.

or ctrl+alt+delete

that would be real nice.

click click

wow.... i haven't blogged in over a year. i get tired of things pretty easily. obsession, addiction, boredom - that's my usual pattern. Unfortunately that's not just with activities and things, it's with people too. i am definitely the kind of person who gets super into something(or someone) and thinks its the best thing(person) in the world, and two days later: what was i thinking?

Fickle. That's the word for people like me. wendi goh = fickle
and so far i'm okay with that. it doesn't keep me up at night. although some tiny part of my mind is slightly concerned for future repercussions on relationships but that's wayyy out in the distant future, right? at least this is what i try to tell myself.

yes i do talk to myself. isn't that what everyone does on some level? people who blog or write in some sort of diary definitely talk to themselves. yes, yes, you blog for other people's benefit, but what it comes down to is you clicking away at your computer recording your thoughts. whether it's reflective or informative is all down to style. i know you are really talking to yourself. really.

i hate capital letters. i wonder if people get annoyed at that? i think people who use capital letters and perfect punctuation in casual forms of writing i.e. facebook wall posts are kind of anal. i'm sure they think i'm to some degree illiterate.

but yes i realize i have really missed this form of talking to myself. so i guess new old current obsession is blogging revived. i wonder how long this will last for fickle old me.